DIY Wine Opening Methods

How to open wine bottles without a corkscrew.

Wine is a classy drink, but it’s hard to match its class while still a victim to classrooms. Let’s face it; students have limited budgets, and strong livers. It’s not rare to want to sip on a dry white whilst working on an assignment (or neglecting one, no judgements). Of course, students don’t have the budget or wherewithal to keep a dedicated Swiss Army knife or corkscrew handy. But don’t whine and allow this article to lessen (puns intended) your troubles with a few nifty tricks to get your Merlot into a Dixie cup.

First of all, let’s look at why wine bottles trouble us with corks at all. In the old days, the stocky stopper was the only cap on the bottle, and let the wine breathe just enough through its porous material to age without going ‘off’. Now, as the wine bottle is topped off with a plastic or foil top as well as the cork, it’s a bit useless. Judge a wine by its grape, not its cap. Still, pretentiousness remains, so we must bear the cross of the cork. What we do for the blood of Christ, eh?

Wooden’t You Like A Glass?

Wooden spoons, found in the kitchens of your house parties, generally have smooth, blunted ends. These are rather well to do when it comes to pushing the cork firmly into the bottle without breaking it apart. It hardly affects the taste, and for the snobbish drinkers, it is encouragement to let the glass sit a bit after pouring. People do tend to stare at their glasses once poured from this method. Guys, I just gave you free wine. Enjoy it, don’t judge.

We’re Screwed.

Now, some of us are really a man’s man. We drink forties and chew tobacco and have nine inch moustaches. But we charm our guests with wine all the same, and we open our wines the way manly men do: with tools. Basic tools, like screws, hammers and such, are part of any adulting household. So grab a screw, use your screwdriver to drive it into the cork, leaving about an inch out (compare with your moustache for accurate measurements) and use the teeth end of a hammer to pull out. Proceed to don your kilt and perform an Irish folk dance in celebration of your wine’s freedom. Drink from golden chalice for best results.

Knot Your Average Method

Was the last method not enough to seal the deal? Was it too watered down? Perhaps you’re more of a Navy SEAL kind of guy, a man of the ocean. Well, then you know your knots, and we need just the basic 8-knot for your wine. Grab your harpoon, or just a butter knife, and wedge it into the edge of your wine bottle to create a gap, and then slip your knot in. Once secure, pull back and the cork should come out in a way completely opposite to gay men in the military. Relax, I won’t ask, even when we’re drunk. Drink and showboat your skills

Red Thread of Hope

Hold on to that string, because things are about to heat up. For a more exciting method, and even a bit craftsy, we shall use man’s first invention: fire! Dip your string in an alcohol, such as a medical swab, nail polish remover, etc, and tie it around the neck of your bottle. Ask your company “How’s it hangin’?” and dutifully light the string. This should weaken the integrity of the wine bottle, and let you break the neck right off. Once you drink it all up, you can use the remains of the wine bottle as a candle holder, or decal it and turn it into a vase.

Kick It Into High Gear

Let’s say you’re basically homeless, and all you have are the clothes on your back, and the cheapest bottle of wine you could get your hands on. This is my life. All you really need is a shoe. Sit your bottle into the shoe, and knock against a flat surface. Physics happens. The cork comes out. Now, knocking it against the wall is faster but you might spill some; knocking it on the counter is safer, unless you thrash like a monkey, in which case the cork and some wine go flying up to your roof like bloody champagne. I’ve been there, don’t wear white unless you’re a zombie on Halloween.

A Vicious Cycle

If you’ve read this far, you’re desperate for a drink and might have a problem, but hey, I enable. All the power to you, man! Know how wining and cycling complement each other? A bike pump, that’s how. Squeeze the nozzle of your pump into the wine bottle and start building up the pressure slowly. The cork will wiggle and dance until it pops off, then you can wiggle and dance. And cycle, I guess.  Cool story, bro.

Abort, abort.

Honestly, I need to stop drinking, because my puns are getting terrible. Your last ditch resort, fashion a wire hanger and poke it through the cork, then pull out. You should have pulled out, and we wouldn’t need a hanger abortion for your wine. Goddammit, I’m sorry.